Hello 2013…

It has been uncharacteristically quiet around these parts.
Not through lack of something to write about,
more through lack of where to start really.
I’ve got ideas swirling around and around in my head,
but the time was not yet right to pen them.

Instead I’ve felt the need to ponder privately…
To ponder life…
Not just accept why it is so, but to question why it is so?
   – “It is” being life as we’ve made it.
What needs to change this year?
What doesn’t and is just my impatience talking?!
A little tip of the iceberg.

Because I have started 2013 uncharacteristically melancholy…
I’ve come to realise it to be a combination of home sickness and trepidation of the year to come.
For a little while now
My faith has been shaky,
homesickness and loneliness have started to put down roots,
and I have been feeling a little trapped.

It’s a long story.
Far too “woe is me” to tell in full.
And I have a tendency to over think things.
But like everyone who has ever struggled with depression I am a work in progress.

Right now I feel on the edge of a precipice…
On the tipping edge of change.
I’ve a feeling the change may be make or break time.
Embracing positivity and pounding onwards and upwards to big things, or slipping down a small dark hole?
{I know which I’d rather!}

It feels big.
I can’t explain more than that.
It’s about nothing, but everything at the same time.
It just is.

Perhaps I’m actually now walking the valley, after scaling down the cliff face that was 2012.
Last year was a big year for us you see…
2 overseas trips,
Months upon months of Abbie being sick & in and out of hospital,
Mr Flutter finishing up 4 years of study towards his apprenticeship,
and changing jobs, now to work locally –
4 years of hard work seen to a conclusion and
a whole massive change in lifestyle…

All big, emotionally draining, huge stuff.

Which is probably why I’m restless.
And fidgety.
– 2012 was so big and now what?
Seriously – what!
Our goals feel so far out of reach…
What we’d planned to happen this year and what now is possible to happen are worlds apart through change.
We have nothing big planned in the way of trips back to see family for 2013.
{These things happen when you take a massive drop in income!}
There are no great changes of circumstances on the near horizon.
Still no ability to settle (*that’s the biggy)
Nudda, zip, zero.
All contributing to my feeling of stuck.

But it’s not all bad.
It’s really quite good.
We have all the main things we need;
My immediate family is great.
They are healthy,
We are having fun together as four full time family members,  not three + 1 part-time.
{Definitely no regrets there, even if we now feel broke.}
And we will have some family visit us this year which will be awesome.

So that’s part of the story of our new year.
This year will be good. I know it will.
I just don’t know {yet} what good stuff it will be made up of.
And for a planner like me that’s slightly annoying.

This is where faith comes in.
I know this,
And I will rest in this.
For without faith I have nothing.

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  1. Kat, I’m so sorry that you’re I the dark place at the moment. You are being brave just by sharing how you are feeling. I do not know that there is anything to say to help, other than that I hope you know you are loved.
    Sometimes this melancholy is a reaction from so much. So much happening keeps you keyed up and the adrenalin rolls through and then you stop and suddenly it is all too much. I know, for myself, I just need to let myself stop in those moments and feel however it is that I feel, whether that’s sad, angry, sleeping for hours/days… Just do whatever it is you need to. Then try to revel in your good. And know that ymare loved.

  2. If you wanna turn a ship around you gotta keep it moving forward. Every day is a step forwards in the life you are making. I know the not being settled feeling, and anxiety and depression. I find these long summer breaks and the whole what have we achieved and what are our goals period of the year particularly hard, as I’m sure many do. I find once school goes back and routine re establishes its much more settled. Maybe you will too? You’ll have a great year having husband living with you.

  3. I hope you feel better soon, sometimes sorting out what is “normal” after a lot of upheaval is just hard. Breathe, relax, and just be present in your moments, and I expect you will find your centre again.

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